Angel Farts
by Misty Not So Much
Summary: Angel farts that go BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
1. What isn't an angel? Let me introduce yo...

            Questions? See bio. All standard disclaimers apply.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            "Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings."

            Yeah, right.

            There are a lot of misconceptions about angels. They aren't little cherubic figures that run about in Pampers all giggly and red-checked like the way those people who make those little figurines that they sell in all those ye olde gift shoppes in me ye olde touriste trappe towne type thinge. No, they're a bit more…realistic. Angels, well, angels fart.

            Just like humans, only, different. You see, because when an angel farts, something special happens. Something in the magical department. It's only plausible, seeing as angels are magical creatures, therefore every part of them is magical, including their farts. The only problem with angel farts is that the angel can't control what the farts do. No, the farts are just little random puffs of magic that come flying out and bring chaos to the world.

            So the next time an angel pigs out on a Gordita, run. Find a bunker, or a bomb shelter.

            Hopefully you've written this all down or stored it in the important file inside your mind, seeing as this will be very important to the story I am about to very lucidly tell you. But not yet. No, angels with gas will be jumping into the story eventually, but first we have to introduce our lovely main character. I mean really, the story's called Angel Farts, don't you think that's what the story's going to be about?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Tsukino Small Lady Usagi was conceived, born, and raised, as white trash. Now, don't start don't start getting angry. Before you start judging her and her parents, you must understand the situation that they are in. Chibi-Usa, as she was nicknamed, and her parents, lived in a village. It had once been a busy happy city, but it was now a small secluded village. Don't ask questions.

            The village they resided in consisted of no more than fifty occupants in the past twenty years, roughly Chibi-Usa's age. In other words, you couldn't go a day without encountering at least ninety percent of the population. In other words, cousins weren't considered off-limits. In other words, the family tree's branches were beginning to resemble wreaths. In other words, it was a tiny miserable place where people sat and festered.

            And Chibi-Usa had the joy of being brought up in this joyous day and age. Her parents fit in well with the locals, even though they weren't cousins, or even second cousins, or cousins once removed. They had moved to the village when it had still been a city, hoping to raise a great little family. The city shortly after downsized to a village, and Chibi-Usa was born. Her mother, Usagi, never had another child. 

            Usagi had once been beautiful. But she had also been very dim-witted. She had been a lazy klutz with little interest in school, and more interest in highly stimulating activities like sleep. Fortunately for her, being a woman gave her the easy option of finding some guy to marry and support her. She was then given the occupation of housewife, allowing her to very little thinking and quite a bit of sleeping. Perfect in her opinion.

            The man she picked happened to be perfect for her. True love one might say. He was handsome, smart, and rich. He was well on his way to becoming a well-paid surgeon too. Unfortunately, the bright happy city that they moved to became a festering tiny village, and Mamoru's job-and payroll-shrunk a bit as well. He became a country doctor. One of those guys that goes door to door. And he did quite often. Especially to the doors of pretty women who's husbands worked at the mill-type-thing all day.

            Usagi sat and festered while he did this, like most housewives do. She found it very relieving to take out much of her stress on Chibi-Usa during the day.

            Schools were downsized too, so she was only received an education up to the sixth grade level, and then was sent off into the real world to marry her cousin and have seven children.

            And therein lay the conflict of interest that causes this entire story to take place. So, add that little tidbit to your notes. 

            Chibi-Usa was raised on fairy tales her nice father told her. Well, really he was just trying to get her to go to sleep, and hoped stories would help. Stories of adventure, princess, knights, white steeds, witches and happily ever afters filled her head. It left little room for much else.

            So when she was told she had to marry her cousin and have seven kids and spend the rest of her life cleaning up after her husband and kids, well, that just didn't fly.

            This troubled Usagi to no end. How was she supposed to get rid of her child if she was unwilling to leave? Who was going to take care of her when she was old? Chibi-Usa was eating food that they couldn't afford to put on the table. It was a small village, and there just weren't enough sick people to pay the bills, even though Mamoru seemed to find ways to be gone all day with relative ease.

            It only made matters worse that Chibi-Usa was a terrible cook, clumsy, sullen, and completely disagreeable when it came to anything having to do with housework. She was far too dreamy and stubborn to work. She burnt bread, shrunk clothing, broke dishes, and managed to mess up just about every other seemingly easy task Usagi gave her.

            Every night Usagi went to bed praying for some man who would be stupid enough to fall for Chibi-Usa's minimally good looks, and fail to see the terrible wife she could be. It would also be great if he were rich.

            And so, the story of Angel Farts begins. And don't worry, there won't be any sappy romance, no dead bodies, no deep psychological issues, no ESP or magical powers, no sailor fukus, no seriousness, no kissing, no dirty make-out scenes, nothing but good wholesome angels and methane gas being emitted with little sparkles of magic angel dust…well, that counts as magic powers…damn.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            My conversation with God went very well.


	2. What is an angel? Let's look at the dail...

            Um, should I be polite and write little notes to every person who reviewed? Fine, I haven't got much else to do at the moment.

**Geminisenshi****- Vejiita/Usagi fics make me want to puke. Sorry to the fans. Bahh, bad!! I say, no!! I'm now a nice, kind, understanding person, and I accept that some of you out there do enjoy the pairing, for whatever reasons, but I do not. There, I feel better now. And of course it's unique! It's the only completely clean fic on this entire site! It's beautiful how devoid of filth it is! No terrible romance or death or bloody battles, just angels farting.**

**H3LL-What can I say? Talking to God has made me a bit of a loon I guess. Well, everyone called Joan of Arc crazy because she conversed with the saints, so it's only naturally that I have my sanity questioned. Although…I'd rather not endure the whole witch persecution, being called a heretic and then being burned at the stake…yeah.**

**Talysmin****- Lol. I was trying to be sincere! I'm just trying to make everyone understand how SORRY I AM. Lol. Okay, okay, so maybe I can't ever squish myself into that nice sweet wholesome little girl mold, certainly not in my writing…by the way thanks, wish my US history teacher would think I can write too…So yeah, I figured the solution to all of my dissatisfaction was a good ol' satire. Filled with, how did you put it, "the insanity of Angels eating too much bean dip."? *snicker***

**Neo-QueenCelestia- Scroll down! Don't read this, scroll down!**

**Tuxedo Gohan- You too! Scroll down!**

**Lady Firefly- Lol! *Pats Mirai no Trunks on the back* I know, I know, but, well, I couldn't resist. You see, there's so many fics out there called, Angel Tears, or Angel Feathers, or Fallen Angel or Blah Blah Blah Insert Angelic Purity Theme Here. So here is, Angel Farts. Pure, untainted gas. And I reviewed your fic again, explaining myself…go read that after this.**

**RedHeadChickie****-Thanks! And I'll e-mail you the chapter as soon as I finish this…I have to get my giggles out before I attempt something serious. And I'll be a good pure girl who doesn't know the meaning of orgy. I don't. Orgy? Isn't that some scary alternative rock band that I know nothing about? *feigns innocence* **

**Saru****-san-I have redeemed myself, yes! ^^;; I'm a good, good person. Happy thoughts. And God loves me. We have heart to hearts, every night. At least, every night except for Friday. That's Poker night. And what did I say about asking questions?! NO!! And go read Poe. Poe rocks. Tell-tale Heart, Raven, Fall of the House of Usher…read. Now.**

**Sporanox****-If by the Deep End you're referring to me having a much closer relationship with God, why yes! ^^;; Seriously though, this is just what the doctor ordered, and I don't know what you're about, my title is beautiful!! And my summary, which has suddenly and magically changed! It's so…pure. Flawless…oops, I don't say that word anymore. Nope, no longer in my vocabulary. Anyway, yes, do go write more Subzero Soul, it would definitely be something to better the community as a whole. Not that it's bad or anything. NO. This place is perfect! You're only adding to the perfection.**

**Sailor Darkness- Glad you were able to enjoy it, and Sailor Song, although, that one killed you. Alas, those were the Dark Years, when I wrote fics with homicidal tendencies. This one is completely pacifistic though, as am I.**

**Yameye****- Oh, wow. That was a pretty harsh statement. What caused such a negative reaction from you? Why do you feel the urge to start calling names? I want this to be the least offensive fic possible, so please, tell me what I can do to fix this fic! I just want to be a good author that everyone likes, and nobody feels threatened or offended by my statements! Please, please, help me become a good author!! I want you to be happy. I want everyone that reads this to come off with nothing but happy feelings. ^___________^**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            So, now that we have determined what an angel isn't, let us embark upon the discovery of what an angel _is. Um…so, angels are…well, they were once humans I guess. And for some reason some guy with greater powers than you or I decided to take some dead humans and shrink them down to a nice portable hand-held size and smack little fluttery wings on their backs. And halos. Bright shiny gold halos that float magically and mysteriously._

            And they wander around on earth, doing stuff, like good deeds. Sometimes. Sometimes they just party down. But they're only seen by those who believe in them. Yeah, it's like that fairy in Peter Pan, Tinkle Bell. Ya stop believing and they vanish, and then you have to do the clappy thing and shout about how you *DO* believe even though you don't really and it gets complicated like that…so just freakin believe! It makes everyone's lives much easier!

            Onward, ho! Let's get to the important part of this wonderful, moral, ethical, and completely devoid of anything controversial, story.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            So, in review, we've established what angels are and aren't, and that Chibi-Usa is a member of the white-trash community in a small secluded village that was once a busy and happy city, whose mother, Usagi wants to marry off so that she can be properly be taken care of when she is old and gray and her husband has left her for one of the small secluded village cuties.

            Did I mention that this takes place in the future? Well, the no so distant future, but the future nonetheless. No, this is not one of those ye olde type stories, seeing as I dislike anything with ye olde anywhere near it, and that things back then were dirty. There is nothing dirty in this fic. It is so clean that I can see my beautiful reflection in it, quite easily. I have a bunch of little non-cherubic angels with their mysterious floaty glowy halos cleaning it and making sure it isn't dirty 24/7. So if you find a smudge on this, don't point it out, since my angels are probably already on the job, cleaning it up. They're good at that, except for when they party down too hard, and they get really trashed and gassy and start lighting their farts and creating massive apocalyptic explosions inside of my fic. You'll see them from a mile away. You'll know when my little army of spit-shiners got too rowdy the night before. Trust me.

            So anyway, Chibi-Usa doesn't really want to get married. No, even in the future, people tend to dislike girls that go against the norm, and have "progressive" ideas. Citizens of the small secluded village prefer to avoid uppity ones like Chibi-Usa.

Well naturally, no matter how hard Usagi begged or bribed, few strapping young men had any interest in the liberal Chibi-Usa.

You know what I forgot to do in the first chapter?! I forgot the all important line that must precede every literary work such as this!! ONCE UPON A TIME…just pretend that was at the beginning of the chapter before this. Pretend harder. Good.

            Now we're going to shift out of this whole story-teller omnipresent, overview, I-am-the-author-I-am-God-big-boomy-cool-voice-over-thing, to, um, something more action-oriented…yeah…

            It's Saturday morning in our happily little village family's village hovel…erm, home.

            "Chibi-Usa if you don't get your butt down here right now, I'm going to drag you out by your left ear!!" Usagi screamed up the stairs.

            If you have issues with Chibi-Usa, supposed spawn of Satan being the star of my story, first, highlight all of the chapters, right-click on your mouse, and hit Copy. Now open your favorite word processor and select Paste. Now wherever you see the name Usagi, delete it and type in, Evil Anonymous Bitch-Mom. After you have done that, remove the name Chibi-Usa from every line, and insert Usagi in its place.

            Feel better now?

            If you don't, go through and anywhere that it describes "Usagi" as having pink hair and red eyes, switch to Shiny Silky Gold as Sun/Silver as Moon Long Extravagantly Impossibly Long and Well-Conditioned Hair and Sparkling Dewy Sapphire Opalescent Soul-Searching Eyes.

            If that didn't help, I'm sorry, but there's nothing more I can do for you. Seek outside assistance elsewhere.

            Chibi-Usa turned over in her bed, finding it a bit difficult to remain asleep when there was an angry blonde woman screaming at you from downstairs to get up.

            Finally she sat up and stumbled downstairs.

            "Could you be any lazier?" Her mother asked impatiently as Chibi-Usa entered the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

            "Could you be any more of a bitch?" She muttered under her breath, still squinting. With a final swipe, she looked up and raised her voice to audible tones. "Where's Papa?"

            "At work, where else?" She replied shortly, turning back to the oven.

            "Oh," Chibi-Usa replied, still standing in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing quite what to do.

            "Stop standing there in the middle of the kitchen like you don't know quite what to do! Go start picking weeds out of the garden!" Usagi reprimanded a moment later, sliding a pan of bread into the piping hot oven.

            Chibi-Usa dutifully went out the backdoor to where the garden was, and spent the morning yanking weeds and pretending that they were chunks of her mother's hair. All the while she whistled a merry tune she had forgotten the name of. 

            At lunch she helped burn two pies and broke three plates and a cup. In the afternoon she ripped her dress, left the laundry out in the rain, and tracked mud all over the newly cleaned floors.

            Usagi then proceeded to shout for an hour straight about how impossible her daughter was, and sent the subject of her rant to bed early without dinner.

            Chibi-Usa stalked upstairs, mumbling under her breath and shooting dark looks her mother's way. She flopped onto her bed and did what she did every night. She wished for her Prince Charming to sweep her away from her stupid mother and take her to a more interesting, possibly larger village, since this once had become overrun with festering people.

            Usagi remained downstairs, waiting for her husband to return and watching the uneaten dinner slowly cool. It was not until the sun had been down for quite some time that he came through the door, humming happily as he always did.

            "Welcome home, dear!" Usagi said brightly, standing up to greet him. "How was your day?"

            "It was good," he said, leaning down to peck her on the cheek. He handed her the newspaper.

            "Oh! Great!" Usagi said, happily grabbing the rolled up papers and sitting down to read it. She loved to have the inside scoop on all of the local gossip, and the newspaper was an excellent source of information.

            But it was not the gossip column that caught her eye that night. It was in the Classifieds section that Usagi found what she believed to be a godsend. It was proof that there was a God, and that he was indeed forgiving, and maybe even loving.

            *Angel appears in front of screen and spots a smudge*

Angel: Goddammit, I've already cleaned this thing fifty times today! Stop fingering the damn screen! Don't you have any control?! *Spits on screen and wipes with a rag* I am NOT getting paid enough to do this job! Damn Misty and her obsession with cleanliness…anal retentive bi-

*Angel explodes*

*New Angel enters and sweeps up ashes*

            I told you! Nothing impure around here, not even my cleaner-uppers!! ^_^ Review if you'd like! There will be more good home-cooked and cleaned entertainment coming soon! Next chapter we reveal just what the ad is about! And why Usagi is so relieved by it!


	3. What do angels do? The heroine begins he...

**            Now don't expect me to be so nice *every* time I update and send you all little notes! Fine…do:**

**Talysmin****- Lol, an angel named George who acts like Mr. Magoo? I think I might be able to arrange a cameo for you…and you're in Japan?! I suppose I ought to be a little jealous, although if it's a giant angel fart, I might want to steer clear…they can be downright lethal! And the pills…well, they taste good! And I get two every four to six hours with a nice little white cup of water…I would lend ya some, but alas, Health Services only gives me enough for one dose each time and they watch to make sure I swallow it…well, maybe if I learn how to hide them under my tongue…**

**Sporanox****- ^_^ Why thank you! Now, scroll down to read more of my enjoyable humorous style! And Yameye's a forum troll? That's too bad. I should get my angels together and we can clean him/her up! Trolls are dirty!**

**Yameye****-Now, now dear, I never said anything about you acting like the s word! Don't beat yourself up over it, I honestly took no offense! I just want to know what makes you so unhappy with this fic, so that I might remedy it. I want *everyone* to enjoy this. That's what the review system is for! Now turn that frown upside-down mister! ^_______^**

**Tina 3:16-I'm glad you like it! And it's completely different from anything else because it's the only pure and good thing here! Don't worry about Yameye and me either; we're working things out through proper communication! ^_^**

**Neo-QueenCelestia-Oh my goodness! I just remembered the fic that you wrote! The Rebirth and Redemption one! That is such an awesome fic! I kept meaning to read/review it, but I'd always forget about it! So, here's my review: Totally awesome, original, and I need to find out what happens next!! And this isn't sick and twisted is it?!! Crud! I'm trying to make a good, pure fic, and I ruin it with sickness and twistedness! *pulls out hair***

**GeminiSenshi****-Whoops, not your fault, mine. I meant that I was with you, and was referring to the massive group of fans that *do* enjoy the pairing, who I tolerate, but do not yet understand the appeal. And you're allowed to enjoy this! It's good and wholesome!! Nothing wrong with laughing at some good old-fashioned fun! And put some ice on your noggin before you get a goose egg!**

**Lady Firefly-Lol! More converts to my Cult of the Chibi-One! Wait…I didn't just say that. That would be evil and heathenistic. I love God. Cults bad. God good. No cult. Anyway…yes, pink is an ok color, but I happen to be more of a blue person. Anyway, thanks!**

**Sailor Heart- What doesn't make sense?! *turns frantic* Quick! I need to make it make sense!*Grabs a nearby angel and shakes it* Tell me what you forgot to do!!**

**Born4Glory- Yes, I know that if I were in your position I would be rather annoyed too. But, where's the fun in revealing my master plan just yet? And who says I've even finalized my master plan yet? *mutters* I still have to build that air craft carrier out of an iceberg…So just hang in there, something will happen eventually, but we're only on the third chapter, and I tend to draw things out a bit!**

**Maiden Usagi- Hey…I used to have maiden in my name too…then I went through a reformation…anyhoo, glad you thought it was funny, and if you're looking for, scroll down a bit!**

**Princess of the Monkeys-I am a clean author now! That's right Saru-san, way to defend my honor! ^^;; *Glares at Clu* Evil alien-dog type deal… and kick some major butt in karate! I wish I could, but unfortunately, I am now a pacifist, so there will be no more fighting in any of my upcoming fics, just goodness.**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Angels, well angels that aren't under my control(insert evil grin), have very complex jobs and duties that are expected of them. Now, understand, angels by means have it easy. They have to go around helping people all the time. They have to keep snot nosed brats like you and me out of as much trouble as possible. Now granted, sometimes they slip up, like when they've been working for thirty hours straight and have been living on nothing but Vanilla Coke Slurpees from the 711 down the street. Then they might not always do the best job. But, the point is they try, and that they are here on earth to protect us from dangerous things, namely ourselves, and aliens.

            So, um, the angels don't appear in this chapter, but I think they'll be in the next one! You just have to keep your notes on what angels are and aren't and what they do, because I just might hand out a quiz!! Alright, alright, I'll just get on with the story already and quit being dumb.

The next morning Chibi-Usa stumbled downstairs rubbing her eyes as she always did. She was met with something quite out of the ordinary immediately after she regained her sight though.

            A wrinkled newspaper was shoved into her line of vision, followed by the wild eyes of her mother.

            "Huh?" Chibi-Usa mumbled intelligently, still not quite awake.

            "Quickly, eat breakfast, then get dressed, I've found the answers to all of our problems," Usagi said, shoving her daughter into a seat at the kitchen table.

            "What, a chastity belt for Dad?" Chibi-Usa murmured under her breath with a small smile. "What Mom?"

            "I've found a job for you," Usagi said carefully as she added milk to the bowls of cereal. "It'll be good training for you. Things you'll need to be good at when you are married,"

            "What kind of job?" Chibi-Usa asked suspiciously.

            "Oh, just helping a mother and son with work around their house," Usagi said lightly.

            "Who?" Chibi-Usa continued her interrogation. After all, the village was unbearably tiny.

            "Well…I don't know their names." Usagi said uncomfortably. "They live on the outskirts. You're starting today, so get packed as soon as you're done eating."

            Chibi-Usa only stared incredulously at the bowl of cereal that was placed in front of her. Usagi had left the room. Packed? What had she meant by packed? She voiced her concerns by shouting into the next room in a high panic-stricken voice.

            "You're going to live with them nitwit! Honestly, we can't afford to pay the bus to drive you to the outskirts every single day! You'll like it, trust me, the ad said it was a nice house with lots of rooms," Usagi poked her head in the room to reply, and then vanished, a bit more of a spring in her step.

            Now, in all of Chibi-Usa's years of living, including her six years of elementary-level education, she had learned one thing above all else: Never trust Usagi. But, in spite of this, she had another valuable gem of information stored in her head: Never disagree with Usagi.

            So it was with great reluctance that she climbed upstairs and began to pack all of her belongings into one suitcase. You see, with the downsizing of the village, her wardrobe was cut severely.

            That afternoon, Chibi-Usa kissed her mother and father good-bye and hopped on a bus that would take her the twenty miles to the area that had been left to fall apart after the downsizing. She wondered who could possibly be living so far away from the village, and who could possibly want to. There was nothing but crumbling buildings in the outskirts.

            She rode the bus for twenty minutes, until she was the only passenger and the bus reached its final stop.

            Chibi-Usa picked up her bag and scrambled down the steps. She was going to have to walk the next two and a half miles.

            She sighed. Well, at least her mother was happy. Not only was she getting rid of her troublesome daughter for a while, she was also going to get any money she made, as well as bettered her chances of finding a husband.

            Chibi-Usa was having lukewarm feelings. On the pro side, she was getting away from the tiny village and her psychotic mother, and if she was lucky she might be able to keep some of the money for herself. But, what the hell was she getting herself into? She didn't know these people, she was in the middle of nowhere, and now she had to walk almost three miles through a bunch of freaky ruins!

            Wait…freaky ruins…cool!

            Chibi-Usa felt a smile pull at lips, even if her heart was pounding from fear. What was so bad about a little bit of adventure? Some excitement was more than overdue in her life.

            So she began her hike.

            Fifteen minutes into her walk, she was jumped from behind by a group of ninja zombies dressed as mummies with bloomers on. They demanded that she give up her cotton candy pink hair for them to eat, and that they would then sacrifice to the great Pink Flamingo God, who she had insulted with the hair style.

            But that wasn't all that they wanted-

Misty: Give me that goddam Zippo before I have to get medieval on your ass! You're never going to see another Jello shot ever again! *chases drunk and singed angels out of the room* Sorry! Here, let's just pretend you never saw/read any of this! ^^;;;;;

            Um…let's see, well, I was going to just end it here, seeing as some of the curtains are still on fire and I have to call the fire department…but, well, I like you people.

            Thankfully Chibi-Usa encountered nothing of the ninja zombie Pink Flamingo God worshippers on her long walk, but instead made it to the big old house unscathed. Well, her feet were a little sore and she had a blister on her pinky from carrying her bag…

            Dumping her suitcase and sighing with relief, she stood at the front door. Triumphantly she pressed the doorbell and waited for someone to let her in. All the while, she planned her introduction speech, which included lots of bowing and being polite, since the one thing she feared above all else was being fired and having to return home to an angry Usagi.

            And waited.

            And waited.

            And danc-I mean, waited.

            Until ten minutes later when Chibi-Usa was beginning to consider leaving, the door opened a crack.

            She jumped to attention, surprised to find it was a man who opened the door, only a few years older than herself.

            "What do you want?" he asked, seeming to border upon surprise and annoyance at her presence.

            "Um…well-Hi, I'm Chibi-Usa Chiba! I'm you're new housekeeper! It's a pleasure to-"

            He cut her speech short. "You're not needed." He answered, and promptly slammed the door in her face.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Wheeee!!! I'm a whole day early! Except…well, at the moment that I am typing this, I have no internet, so um, maybe I won't be early -_-;; Anyway, I have to go chastise some angels, and next chapter will be out soon! It's um…about…well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!


	4. Like I said, BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

            Okay, there has been an unexpected change in my schedule, due in part to my determination to write a story that isn't ridiculously long, and to a midnight (well, more light thirty minutes after midnight) inspiration. Maybe it was Tom Cruise. Maybe it was the Domino's cheesy bread…I dunno. So anyway, yes, this is the end of Angel Farts, sorry if you are confused and upset that I didn't make it longer, but I assure you just might be satisfied/enlightened by the end of this. I shall leave no string untied. Maybe I just figured I'd take some of H3LL's advice and quit torturing him. I may be satirical, but I'm no sadist!

            Also, notes to reviewers will be at the bottom. I only have one order to give you, right now, before I continue with this. I want you to take your mouse-pointer thingy, go to the blue menu pull down bars, go to rating and click on R. Now scroll down until you find a fic called Shifting by Talysmin. READ IT. REVIEW IT. IT IS NOW YOUR GOD. There is no way on God's green earth that she should have only four reviews. She is too damn good to suffer that indignity. 

            And George's day of glory is about to come…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Now, I've been leaving all these little tidbits about angels and them being flatulent at the beginning of every chapter. And yet, this story has yet to truly focus upon the angels. Rather, we've been bored to death with this crappyass story about Ms. Flamingo Head and her downsized town.

            And now she's gotten a door slammed in her face. The door-slammer happened to be an Extravagantly Handsome Dashing Valiant Yet Twisted and Dark and Secretive Yet Sexy But With a Heart of Stone named….um, Trunks. I'm calling him Purple Wonder though.

            So Ms. Flamingo Head is standing outside the door screaming obscenities and staring in shock at his impossible rudeness. There was no way she was going to be humiliated like that! Not after walking five whole miles! And after the blister?! No way!

            She pressed the doorbell again. Purple Wonder answered the door, annoyed, but before he could slam it again, she stuck her foot in and began yelling at him. She cursed like a sailor and for some odd reason, he let her in, and she became his maid. The mother that Usagi (Evil Anonymous Bitch-Mom) had talked about had died the day before, and Purple Wonder was still very bitter and hurt, yet still Extravagantly Handsome Dashing Valiant Yet Twisted and Dark and Secretive Yet Sexy But With a Heart of Stone.

            Did I mention he introduced himself as Purple Wonder and she responded by saying her name was Ms. Flamingo Head?

            Did I mention that they WEREN'T madly in love with one another at first sight?

            Well they weren't. Although, Flamingo found Wonder Extravagantly Handsome Dashing Valiant Yet Twisted and Dark and Secretive Yet Sexy But With a Heart of Stone. And Wonder though Flamingo to be…well…very pink.

            But they weren't in love!

            Well, that is until that fateful day, several intense months later…

            …When my squad of angels arrived. Saiya-jin angels that is. 

            …Now who the hell didn't see that one coming?! WHO else could possibly make better angels with violent amounts of methane than Vejiita and Gokou?

            No one.

            Now, Gokou dared Vejiita to eat twenty Super Beefy Beanie Burritos, let sit for one hour, show up at Flamingo and Wonder's House in the Middle of Nowhere and then pull out his Zippo…

            And well, you can guess what happened.

            Big boom.

            Flashing pyrotechnics.

            Entire house goes boom.

            Smoking rubble.

            Two very much in love people who happen to have pink and purple hair.

            They make like rabbits, have a dozen children and live happily ev-

            WAIT!!!!!!!!

            Stop the presses! It wasn't supposed to be this way! *sigh* Oh what a mess…and I let my angels go since I thought this was the last chapter and that I could handle this on my own…T_T

            *Flashy starlight thingy*

            O_O

            *Little fat dumpy stereotypical angel appears*

            Who…are you?

LFDSA: I'm your guardian angel, George.

Misty: *_* I have a guardian angel?

George: Sort of…I'm not exactly yours…

Misty: M'kay…so, um, mind helping me fix my story?

George: Of course! That's what I'm here for!...I think…*Pulls out stereotypical wand* Hocus…um…

Misty: Pocus? -_-;;

George: Right-o! *waves stereotypical wand* *fizzle, fizzle, poo*

Misty: In the magical world, that's not generally a good sound, is it?

George: What were we doing again?

Misty: You are the *worst* sort-of stereotypical guardian angel.

George: Who are you anyway, and why are there two young people kissing in the middle of all that rubble? Why is their hair like that? Is she part lawn ornament?

Misty: -_-;; I'd take the one that blew up the house any day over this one…speaking of which, where did my Saiya-jin angels scamper away to? *glances around and notices two charred halos on the ground by her feet* Oh no! I knew that angel farts would only lead to trouble! Oh the humanity…I mean, angelity…eh…hey, where'd George go?

*Flashy starlight thingy*

*Latino Pop star Shakira appears*

Misty: *_* Are you my *real* guardian angel?

Shakira: Nope. I'm just a Latin singing sensation. AIIIEEEEE!!

Misty: Oooo…k.

Shakira: But I'm also here to put and end to all of this misery! ARRRIBBBAAAAA!! AYYY AYYY AAIIIIIIIEEEE!!!

*Entire scenery changes to something much more peaceful*

Misty: It's…perfect…*_* Oh thank you Shakira!

Shakira: Don't thank me, just stop burning my pirated mp3s and buy my albums! AIIIEEE!! *Disappears*

Misty: Ahh…heaven…*suddenly strange singing starts up, and little hamster/gerbil/rodent things start to appear* Oh God no! This can't be! I've been placed in Hamtaro land! DAMN YOU SHAKIRA, DAMN YOU!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Can you tell that I was just dying to get this thing over and done with and that I hadn't an idea of how to go about it, and wished to fulfill a friend's request, all while listening to Shakira?

            Yeah, thought so.

            Anyway, now for my philosophical moment.

            Before things got wild with George and Shakira, I shouted about how wrong my ending was.

            And it is.

            Don't you remember me stating at the beginning that Chibi-Usa's greatest fear is being married to some guy and living the rest of her life having his babies? Didn't she want adventure? Well then why the hell did I say they lived happily ever after? I mean, I just lied to you!

            That's what angel farts do. 

            You see, only a huge angel fart could even bring them together, and could cause this sort of ending. Nothing else truly can come close in the devastation one causes. 

            So bear that in mind the next time you go to write a fic.

            And if you're angry about this being short and claim that this was just a cop-out, well, I totally agree with you. But, it's a humor. They aren't supposed to drag on and on unfinished and lose all humor. They should be short sweet, and end with the explosion of two gaseous angelic beings.

            Now I have announcements to make. I am no longer a psychotic evangelical pacifist. I have entered that dark part of my mind, only to exit, unscathed, and feeling whole lot better about the world around me. 

            Glad to hear you care.

            Next announcement, I have a nugget of wisdom to impart upon all of you:

            Perspective. It's all in perspective. Take anything in life and shift it around. It can be the real deal, it can be an impostor, it can be a shadow of its true self. 

            If you can see life like this, if you can take an object and make it anything, everything, and nothing all at once, that is seeing beauty.

            Because to me, beauty is to be able to see the anything, the everything, and the nothing.

            Now to relate this back to what matters to most all of you. Fanfiction. 

Most of you are authors as well as readers, or you aspire to be. Someone very important to me, although I can't remember who it was exactly, once told me something. It's been in my mind for quite some time:

Write what you know.

Don't write about football if you've never even laid eyes on the old pigskin. Don't talk about what it's like to be high if you've never toked up. Don't write in Japanese if you don't speak it. And don't write about love if you've never been in love.

I mean, in truth, who here has been in love? Most of you are thirteen years old, maybe fifteen. You don't know what love is, and neither do I.

I don't want to write about love anymore. I want to write about desire, desperation, frustration, depression, anger, lust, adoration, obsession, curiosity, affection, but not love.

When I write about love, I feel like I'm lying. And when I read your stories about it, I feel like I am reading lies. It makes me feel disgusted. 

It makes me want to turn away.

I don't care if you keep writing about love, and I don't care if you claim to stop. Do what you want. 

What I really care about, is that you know it.

            I'm trying not to preach, but well, it's a habit.

            So here's my new itinerary for the next few months. I'm revising four fics, finishing three, and two new ones will be out, all by the end of April…at least, that's what I claim now, who knows what'll happen. And expect the new ones to be very much typical of me. Whoever said old habits die hard is a rich man.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            And now for notes to all of the beautiful people that have dared to read this!

**Geminisenshi****: Lol, I'm sure that would be some quality entertainment!**

**Lady Firefly: Well what can I say, I just finished the thing! Oh well, thanks for thinking its good!**

**Maiden Usagi: Your name was somewhat partially minutely inspired by my old one? O_O Cooooooool….**

**Sporanox****: Well, glad to hear you tried! ^_^ But honestly, my angels and I are just invincible! And I happen to be a queen, so, really, it's impossible to find fault…*head swells up so large it explodes* Owwww…and I reviewed the fic you speak of, and had an e-mail battle, and we are in a temporary truce at the moment since she realized I wasn't a flamer after all…*sigh* why am I so nice?**

**Neo-QueenCelestia: Thanks! And your fic still rocks! Update it!**

**Dark: Why thank you.**

**Tuxedo Gohan: Thank you too! And um…thanks I think for the barrage of im's…my away message usually means I'm out…**

**Yameye****: I'm glad we could reach some sort of understanding! And what emotion is that smiley? I haven't seen that one before!**

**Talysmin****: *Faints with laughter* Oh my god! I've never been asked to be someone's wife! Let alone another woman! I am so flattered! And a *third* wife! *dies* I am speechless! And I hope you like George…I haven't seen Mr. Magoo in a while, so I had to think pretty hard…gave me a headache and everything! Now…the H3LL Wars…well, I had my spat with H3LL in more of the winter before, and it was mostly because of the fact that I had yet to pay enough attention to the people around here to realize that the people he terrorizes, deserve to be terrorized. So I was converted to the dark side, terrorized a little on the side, along with Sporanox, and then I went into my cave and came out a new woman! Although…I have yet to figure out what kind of woman I am now…O_o I guess that's a good summary…I dunno, it gets complicated, and since people delete stories and reviews, and there's so freakin many of them, it's really hard. H3LL can take over and fix things if he'd like.**

            AND NOW TO EVERYONE THAT IS ABOUT TO DISAGREE WITH MY OPINIONS AND ADVICE, HAS EVER DISAGREED WITH MY ADVICE, HAS EVER IGNORED MY ADVICE, HAS EVER FLAMED ME, OR HAS BEEN FLAMED BY ME:

            Your mother.


End file.
